The Dwindling Value of Men

In the United States, Sunday is Father's Day. Some refer to these “holidays” as made up holidays designed to sell more gifts and cards. However, similar to Mother's Day when we celebrate moms and women, Sunday is a day set aside to celebrate dads and men. I like to think of these days as appreciation and acknowledgment days.

Hey, wait a minute! Not everyone is a parent (mom or dad). What about them? Most likely we all HAVE currently or have had a mom and dad in the very beginning of becoming US so universal.

Hey! You just said a paragraph above that these are appreciation and acknowledgment days so what's up with the title? Dwindling value? Men? Are you writing about men as people or gender?

Before we come to a screeching halt and you don't keep reading, I fully acknowledge I don't know enough about all the gender stuff to write on that topic intelligently. If I do figure it out some day, I'll write another post.

Today, I am writing about MEN as men and fathers and being different than women which has seem to become an unpopular opinion.

There has been much posting, discussion and memes lately aimed at women with the question: Would you rather be trapped in the woods with a bear or a man? There have been some funny and interesting responses to this question in comments and discussions with varying degrees of humor. And pain. If you have been physically or mentally harmed by A man, you probably are not getting to the funny. It hurts. You have less chance, probably, of being harmed by a bear. That is part of the discussion.

I am not writing specifically of the damage that can be brought about by A man. I am writing about how we as a society are often treating and valuing MEN as a group. Maybe even valuing huMANs as a group, but that is another post.

Currently, media often displays men as bumbling fools, often in a bad mood, being taken care of by their partner, and/or worthless/”deadbeat” fathers. Gone are the days of fatherly wisdom it seems. Sometimes TV shows don't age well. Something that was considered humorous “back then” just isn't anymore. A show I was watching recently referred to men as being portrayed with “predatory, aggressive” behavior.

Are there “bad” men? Sure! There's “bad” women too. Media doesn't always focus on them as much. It doesn't mean they don't exist. I think the issue is where are we putting our focus? If we don't like the way we are heading as a society it is time to start having some of these tougher discussions. Did we need a women's movement? YES, but not at the expense of tearing down men. We can both bring value to life.We DO both bring value to life.

There comes a point where we begin to find what we look for. IF men are only portrayed as bumbling fools with a mean streak, WE are seriously doing MEN as a group a huge disservice. IF we expect men to be more like women, WE are going to be seriously disappointed.

Inside every man is a little boy that has been taking ALL of the above internally. This is in addition to: Don't cry. Don't be a mama's boy. Don't play with dolls or play house. Maybe they live in a house where this is being preached or beat into them and this becomes a generational issue and a perpetuating issue for men in that family because they are not being taught any differently.

Then that little boy grows up. He might dare to get married. We start asking: Why don't you show more emotion? Why dont't you spend more time with your mom? Why don't you take better care of the baby? Or me?

What are we doing as a society to help men and all of us be and do better? When we value one group of people less, we value all of us less. 

We need to learn to VALUE each other for who we are individually and as a group. When we start to do that, ALL of our value goes up and we don't acknowledge this on just one day of the year for women or men.

Acts 17:22-31 (EasyToRead Version ETR) Then Paul stood up before the meeting of the Areopagus council and said, “Men of Athens, everything I see here tells me you are very religious.I was going through your city and I saw the things you worship. I found an altar that had these words written on it: ‘to an unknown god.’ You worship a god that you don’t know. This is the God I want to tell you about.

“He is the God who made the whole world and everything in it. He is the Lord of the land and the sky. He does not live in temples built by human hands. He is the one who gives people life, breath, and everything else they need. He does not need any help from them. He has everything he needs.God began by making one man, and from him he made all the different people who live everywhere in the world. He decided exactly when and where they would live.

“God wanted people to look for him, and perhaps in searching all around for him, they would find him. But he is not far from any of us. It is through him that we are able to live, to do what we do, and to be who we are. As your own poets have said, ‘We all come from him.’

“That’s right. We all come from God. So you must not think that he is like something people imagine or make. He is not made of gold, silver, or stone. In the past people did not understand God, and he overlooked this. But now he is telling everyone in the world to change and turn to him. He has decided on a day when he will judge all the people in the world in a way that is fair. To do this he will use a man he chose long ago. And he has proved to everyone that this is the man to do it. He proved it by raising him from death!”

Discounted Christmas?

'Tis more than a few weeks into 2024 and the Christmas discounts continued to rise as merchants attempt to gain back their shelf space that was filled with an elf and all other things holiday. Discounts rise from 30-50% a few days after Christmas to 75% after New Year and then usually 90% on anything that is left. 

Anything that is left is basically left over. Slim pickings as faster shoppers made their way through the remainder of Christmas days and weeks after. Broken pieces. Things you may not have even looked at during Christmas. Will you know where it is for next Christmas if you buy now? Money not spent is money saved.

Until one day we arrive at the store and Valentine's Day decorations are fully in stock. Love day started rolling in right after Christmas.

We seem to move through seasons by what merchandise is in the stores at any given time. We start some holidays and just roll right into the next one as witnessed by Happy Thanks Merry HallowGiving Christmas! October rolls right in with November and December holidays all on display as well. Hellish looking monsters for Halloween. A few aisles over fall and Thanksgiving. A few more aisles and Christmas with words like Noel, Joy and Peace. The red and green. The manger pieces. 

Sometimes we discount the joy and peace that Christmas promises far before the actual season. We spend time with our family and friends over some days off hopefully. Then life settles back to “normal”. Often we discount the Christmas that should roll into the New Year with us and last at least into the month of January, hopefully longer. We take down the decorations. We put the manger away....and sometimes we put the Christ of Christmas back into that box with the manger, angel and the rest of the pieces. Sometimes the PEACE of Christmas goes back into the box with the pieces. 

Returning back to work and school. Tax time hits and we get busy with that. Then we flip the calendar page again and it is already February. And we roll into this year like we did all the others. Schedules fill up with sports and other activities. Spring and flowers. Easter and another reason to celebrate the new life we are promised. 

Leaves back on the trees! A few more months and those leaves turn colors and fall to the ground. Hay rides. Bonfires with roasted marshmallows. We are back to October and trick or treating. Candy!

When put that way it really does speed by. What to do to make this year different? To not discount and lose the feelings of Christmas? The reason of Christmas and Easter?

Matthew 5:3-5 (MSG) “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

Obituary of a marriage

Obituary of a Marriage

Marriage, established _______ , came to a slow, painful death by lack of care and mutual respect. While family, friends and marriage itself hoped for a fulfilling future, it was not meant to be. It was discovered that marriage does not usually die, but is killed by neglect, lack of communication, abuse, lies and disrespect.

Marriage is survived by children, Healing and About Time. Also parents-in-law Told You So and You Should Do Better Than We Did. Marriage was preceded in death by Years of Counseling and Advice.

Marriage fell in love with Potential. Marriage recognized too late that bringing 50/50 is not enough. Bringing our best selves 100/100 is essential. When standing at the altar marriage did not see far enough ahead to family members illnesses, miscarriage, addition of children, bankruptcy, and deaths of family and pets.

When I do, became I can't anymore. Sometimes the I Do when marriage needed to learn I won't. That for better or worse does not mean better until it gets made worse. In sickness and health, does not mean starting out healthy, but making each other unhealthy. Staying poorer when richer was an option. Richer and poorer is not just financial. When the tying of the knot became the knot of an ever tightening noose.

When anniversaries became “x” and counting (which was usually to 10 to avoid saying something that might be regretted).

It is hoped that this marriage will rest in the peace that had become in short supply throughout its lifetime.

There will be no public memorial or celebration of occasion as unlike the original public ceremony the end of marriage is much less acknowledged. Memorial contributions may be made to premarital counseling and the asking and answering of the hard questions.

The Attraction of Distraction

Oh, I have heard this little voice that has become not so little. I have put it off. Proven the point. As I type this, the ding of my notifications on my cell phone is trying to lure me to look away. Stop typing. I know if I look, I will be sucked into the distractions that have filled my time lately. Ok. OK. CONSUMED my time lately. 

I have my excuses, er...reasons. Yeah, reasons! It has been over a year since I have written on my blog. I have done many, many (some would say TOO many) posts on Facebook. Some thoughts. Many memes. Some silly. Some timely. Some really important to me so I want to share....at ALL hours of day, usually night. I convince myself it is part of my healing. My therapy. My ME time. I like to encourage people so that, up to a point, is all true.

However (knew that was coming, right?), all of that has become a distraction from dealing with life. Feelings. Grief. UGH. Even typing this I am having to take a deep breath because I know that anxiety feeling as my chest tightens. I will suffice it to say that 2020 and 2021 have been years that will be referred back to with the words: virus, pandemic, lock down, "new normal", vaccine, division, and so many more. That is just the world. Each of us have had our own issues to deal with too. 

 This is where the distraction comes in. This may not be the way everyone deals with stress, but it is seeming to become more of an issue as technology weasels into our everyday lives. Wonderful advancements that should make our lives easier. It does! IF you can control it and not let it control you. 

One of my main distractions is my cell phone. Phones used to just be in our homes attached to a wall. Eventually cordless and able to be lost at the end of a single call as setting the phone down and not back on the charger resulted in a useless, lost phone. Never fear. The manufacturers predicted this and gave us a beep to find the phone, if it wasn't dead because it was not on the charger. Now if one of us misplaces our cell phone, we ask someone to call it. Mine is usually under papers within 2 feet from me. I have actually found myself looking FOR my phone, while I was ON my phone.

Portable. A device that used to just be for calls. Made and received. An occasional short text as on a flip phone it was awesome, but time consuming, to hit the 1 button 3 times to get to "c".  Then I had a slide out miniature keyboard which made texting faster and easier and less time consuming. It didn't matter if someone didn't answer, they could read the text later. Respond if they chose to. I go back in the house to get my phone if I forget it. Don't leave home without it used to just be a line in a commercial. My phone gets internet access if in the right spot. Wifi. Needing a password. The internet! 

Ahhhh. The internet AND apps AND a newer, faster phone. Herein lies much of my distraction issue. I don't even need to be near a full size computer. At home. As long as I have wifi, I have a mini computer that fits in my purse or my pocket. Oh and the things the phone can do! Watch YouTube, Tik Tok, a movie! Have a question? Search. Find the answer. Or many answers. To questions I didn't even knew I had. Predictive text shows questions others have had and answered. How helpful and useful and distracting. Oops an hour went by. "News" with catchy headlines designed to make us click and click some more. Oops another hour.

Games! I used to have to go to a video game arcade and have quarters. Then I could play at home on early Nintendo. Duck hunt and that darn dog that would laugh when I missed. Now there are apps of card games I used to play with real people. Now they are avatars on a screen and a chat box. I convince myself I'm keeping my brain active as I match candies, shapes and colors. Hoping the one I need to complete the puzzle will fall just in the right place to blow up and finish that level. How many levels? Hundreds. Maybe more. Connect to Facebook, see what games your friends are playing and send a challenge. This is not even getting into the apps that "reward" you for playing. Points for gift cards. It would be more cost effective to just buy the gift card, but hey! I'm playing already anyway.

ALL of these. Distractions are everywhere. Every. Day. I get ideas I might jot down, but I don't write as often as I did. Not for lack of ideas. Lack of motivation. The attraction of gift cards and being distracted so I don't have to feel when feeling the feels might lessen the hurt and let me move on. Let you move on. 

Are you doing similar? Has the everyday noise and all the options taken up space in your head? Kept you from reading the Bible? Kept you from praying? Are you feeling ok about that? Distractions are everywhere. I have noticed the small voice getting smaller. 

I have Biblegateway.com on my phone. On a good day, I do the reading plan on there BEFORE I get further distracted. All of the things are not necessarily bad when only doing them for a short time and not rabbit trailing from one topic right into the next or playing level after level of games. Working on putting the need to-do ahead of the want to-do. Feeling the feelings is still a work in progress. 

  “‘Go to this people and say,
“You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
    you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.”
²⁷ For this people’s heart has become calloused;
    they hardly hear with their ears,
    and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
    hear with their ears,
    understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them

Acts 28:26-27 NIV

³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,

Luke 10:39-41 NIV 

Lord, You know our hearts and desires. Thank you that you do not get distracted. May we be more aware of what is keeping us from reading your word and praying. Help keep our distractions to a minimum. Please help us to draw closer to you and work through anything that is distracting us from coming to you. May we use technology and advancements for good and not just time wasters keeping us from getting done what we need to do. Amen.

Unrestricted Access, NO access, #therehastobeabetterway

For anyone that finds this floating in the interwebs sometime in the future:

It is October 2020.The world is still dealing with the pandemic known as Covid19. It started to hit the United States in our area (Michigan) early March 2020. We are strongly urged, if not required, to wear masks indoors, as well as, socially distance (stand apart from each other) at least 6'. There is a lot of plexiglass in use to protect workers, customers and school kids. There is testing, but currently no vaccine. Covid has definitely changed the way we live our lives and conduct our businesses. Early on, there were shut downs resulting in unemployment and economic worries. Many employees that were able to worked from home. Schools closed early. Stayed shut for awhile. Did virtual online school as much as possible until the end of the year. Seniors in high school missed out on so many of those last year BIG events: prom, graduation, open houses. People did drive by celebrations. We made the best of a bad situation. 

We slowly have tried to return to "normal" or the oft dreaded terms of "unprecedented times" and "new normal". Covid seems to affect mostly elderly and those with other health issues. 

One of the shut downs has affected our shut ins most of all. Shut ins refers to those who live in residential care facilities. The care facility could be assisted living or skilled nursing. It could be a small group home for people that just need a bit more help or consistency than family can provide. 

In our family's case, our shut in is our mom. Prior to Covid, we were pretty much allowed unrestricted access to our mom. There are 5 of us "kids" (almost all in our 50's now). Between the 5 of us and our families, we visited mom at least 2-3 times a week. We attended events and activities designed to keep residents healthy and happy and active. BINGO!

We had a key card we could use to get in if it was after hours. I'm a night owl. Sometimes I visited later at night to help tuck mom in and say good night. There were many nights I would walk back down the hall to my car near tears. Mostly because I didn't want to have to leave her there. Some because I imagined it was like when she used to love on me when I was younger and ready for bed. 

I already felt guilty for having her go to a nursing home in the first place. It was not hers or our family's first choice. We kept her home as long as we could after our dad passed away in 2018 the day after her 75th birthday. There was home care OT, PT, nurses and doctors that helped us in keeping her home. She made progress. Then there was the week that things took a turn and the day the ambulance came to take her to the hospital. She went to a hospice facility for a few months. She rebounded health-wise and was released from the hospice program. By then, she could no longer stand on her own. Staff was using a lift to get her in and out of bed. 

We were blessed to find a good facility. Many of the staff have become like extended members of our family. When we visited, we attempted to assist staff as they are often overworked and underpaid for the skills they provide. We brought cheer up gifts, treats and encouragement. We visited other residents. We gained some 90+ year old friends that sat at mom's table for meals. In late Dec. 2019 and early Jan. 2020, mom's facility restricted visitors due to the "normal" flu and gastro stuff. It was hard on residents and staff. Emotionally. Mentally. That was weeks. We made do with phone calls to our mom on a smart phone that was becoming increasingly more difficult for her to use. 

Early March, one of my brothers and I visited and brought mom a cake from her and dad's favorite hangout. There was more than enough cake to share with staff and our friends. The next day, the anniversary of her husband's/our dad's death, I received a call that visitors were again going to be restricted, this time due to Covid and the unknowns that presented. 

As a family, we got it. There were states that were getting hit really hard and the goal was to keep the hospitals and staffs from becoming overwhelmed with Covid patients. We needed to "flatten the curve". That was March which has turned into April, May, June, July, August, September, and in Michigan currently, until October 31. For those of you counting, this is 7 MONTHS. With no end in sight. During this time, residents have been confined to their rooms. There has been NO communal dining. There has been hallway bingo over the intercom. We try to time our calls around that. There is television and what else?

During this time, we were allowed window visits. Thankfully, mom's facility is all one floor. Then, that gate stayed locked so no more window access. We try and do Skype which are scheduled online through the facility. Currently, Monday - Friday business hours for 20 minutes. The internet frequently acts up. A staff member stays in the room to make sure the call goes ok. Mom has an old-fashioned flip phone that on a good day has been charged, the volume is turned up, it is where she can reach it and she can remember how to use it. There is a glass door at the end of her hall. Staff has wheeled her to it and we use our phones to talk. Sometimes she is too tired to hold her phone up or she gets confused by hearing the phone AND us talking through the door. We call ahead of time to make sure her phone will be working and they know we are coming. We are researching other options. Thank goodness for technology!

We were allowed (so far) one outside visit mid-August. Allowed 2 visitors, 6' apart, no touching, but seeing mom outside: priceless. Visits were/are allowed Tues and Thurs. 10 visits/week and the weather had to cooperate. Once all the families had a chance to visit, we were allowed to schedule another outside visit. It is now OCTOBER. In MICHIGAN. I had a visit scheduled for this upcoming week. October 13. I received a call last week, that an employee tested positive so there is now ANOTHER 14 day quarantine period. Our mom and other residents have been tested NUMEROUS times during this time. How do think it goes for staff to test dementia patients more than once? 

My frustration rises. I'm in Michigan. There are 422 facilities. I advocate. Others advocate. A lady in Florida gets a job IN her husband's facility to be able to see him. A national Facebook page starts. State Facebook pages start. Who do we contact? President? Our Washington congress people? Nope state level. Governor? Canned email responses back that may, but probably not even cover what we emailed about. Our state senator and representative? Which county? I'm in Ottawa. My mom's facility is in Kent. I went with Ottawa. I got a staff email response from my rep and a phone call. It's election season though and the people I contact are up for reelection so where's the focus? On shuts ins that have PROUDLY voted in past elections? Who knows what happens this year? Many are not cognitively with it enough to make that decision anymore. The governor has tasked covid response to the health department. The health department issued exceptions dated JUNE 30, HOWEVER, the final say is still with the facilities. Most facilities stopped at provide electronic access (on devices the federal and/or state government provided 2 per facility). The governor appointed a task force, that to my knowledge, did NOT include a resident and/or family representatives. They issued recommendations similar to the exceptions with a bit more detail. We try to get the attention of newspapers, magazines, news stations. HEAR US! We may, or usually not, don't even get a reply. 

7 MONTHS of isolation and loneliness. It is not only Covid we are afraid of. We have watched our family members and friends deteriorate during this time. Some of us have lost our resident to death. Most NOT due to Covid. The only visits that are for sure allowed are "compassionate care" for when a resident is "actively dying". 

Facilities have been given an impossible task. Keep their residents healthy from Covid. BUT at what cost? To the staff. To the residents. To us as family and friends. What we are doing is NOT working. Quarantine the sick. The goal post keeps moving. The clock keeps getting reset. If the goal is 0? More will die, but not from Covid. They will die from the loneliness and isolation of trying to keep them safe from a virus that some even though positive, have few symptoms.

We took our unrestricted access to our loved ones for granted. Personally, I didn't even know that we could be kept out due to the flu or gastro illnesses, and now Covid. We're dealing with NO access currently. The tag for our pleas for help has become #therehastobeabetterway 

We are not asking for unrestricted access. We are asking for an essential caregiver (not just dependent on assistance with ADLs - Activities of Daily Living) to be allowed per resident. We will meet the same requirements as employees. We will test. We will sign a waiver saying you are not responsible for us or our loved one contracting covid at your facility. We will schedule an appointment. We will walk directly to our resident's room. What MORE do you want? What more can we do? THIS is not working for the residents. Or us. Help us help you find the better way. 

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If religion or discussion of God offends you, please stop reading or continue to scroll to your next bit of interweb business.

I cannot close this blog post without mentioning this. When I first thought of unrestricted access, I was thinking of how often I took it for granted with visits to my mom. I also thought of my access to God. According to the Bible, there was a time when people wanted to talk to God, they had to go to a temple. The priests had to relay the requests/prayers to God. The death and resurrection of Jesus Christ broke that barrier and allows us, each of us, unrestricted access to have our prayers heard. Anytime. Anywhere. The curtain of the temple separating us from God was torn. 

I do not pretend to have all the answers to life's questions. I'm always willing to discuss and share what I have learned though. Feel free to reach out to me or others in your life that have made the decision to follow Jesus. My mom and dad made that decision long ago. They raised us knowing too. When we are aware of a gift, we don't want to leave it unopened. Thank you for opening your heart in consideration. 

Luke 23:44-46 (NIV) It was now about noon, and darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon, 45 for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two. 46 Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last.

John 3:16 (NIV) For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

www.biblegateway.com is an awesome resource if you would like to read more from the Bible.