Taking Care of You aka The Dwindling Roll

I have read often during parenting and just for life in general that one needs to invest in "self care". That if you don't take care of you, who will take care of them? (and them can refer to children, parents, other family members, friends, etc) That you can't fill from an empty cup. That in case of an air emergency, put on your own mask first before assisting others.

I used to dread the term "self care". I'm still not real fond of it. However, if you are going to help others with their care, you deserve to give yourself at least (if not more) than what you are willing/required to give away to others. Yes. DESERVE.

BUT what does that look like? HOW does one take time in an already filled, overwhelmed feeling of a day FIND time to take? I have never been walking around when a yellow cup, air bag and strap magically appear in front of me making me aware or reminding me of the need to put on said mask before assisting others. Usually, by the time I remember or take notice, I am well into assisting others without putting on my mask first!

For the days you don't remember, I have found a reminder that will be in front of you every day. You will notice it slipping away as it is used up AND if like at my house, YOU will be replacing it when it is empty/used up. What is this wondrous bit of knowledge? Have you guessed?

Toilet paper!

DISCLAIMER: I am preaching to myself with this post as well as I am far from reaching where I should be with my own self care. However, journaling, blogging and support of others I'm finding is part of my self care. We gotta start somewhere, sometime. Might as well be here....and now.

In this example, we start out as a full roll. I purchase by the square feet on the package and MUST be 2 ply. Bigger rolls = less times I have to change it out!

Lesson: Start out in the best "big roll 2 ply" condition you can: good sleep, fully hydrated, fed, medicated (if necessary), exercise (if you can't find 10 minutes now, will you find it when you are sick?), listen to music to get you moving, find something that makes you laugh and something to be grateful for

Approaching used up, mask dropping phase. Time to be careful. Your spare a square is running low. Keep some for you! Try and avoid the desperate cry for more while in a somewhat precarious balancing act!

Lesson: NOTICE when you are getting used up. Time to have a spare roll available on back up (accept help if people offer. ASK if necessary). The more people that are counting on us, the faster we disappear. Use those last few squares (actually, real paper probably works better for this) to write down a list of activities that may not take a lot of time, but make you feel better. This list comes in handy for when you are entering the land of Overwhelm. You won't need to THINK of something to do on top of already feeling stressed out.

Uh oh! Empty roll. No paper left. The mask is swinging around wildly in front of you. Now what?

Lesson: DON'T feel guilty about getting drained/used up/overwhelmed. It happens sometimes without us noticing. We are slowly slipping away in the hustle and bustle of life. Don't seek an hour, take 5 minutes to sit somewhere and take a deep breath. Let it out. Repeat.

Notice it's time to replace the empty roll....and start the whole cycle again!

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If you are here and you have not felt like a full roll in awhile, it is never to late to start doing things a bit differently to have a different tomorrow.

There are numerous resources about self care available online and books. If you can't think of some activities that will help, look some up to start a list.  Keep the list in a visible spot so when you can grab a few minutes you don't have to think of something that helps. 

Self care doesn't mean by yourself. If you have not "peopled" (been around anyone other than your child(ren), people depending on you), find a way to get out and about....especially if there is sunshine available!

Get out of the habit of saying there isn't enough time. We might be looking for a significant chunk of time and we should plan for those, but do not overlook the small moments of joy available in a day. I have learned to say that taking time sitting with a cat on my lap is lowering my blood pressure. ;)

Personally, my best self care is spending time alone with God. Praying. Reading the Bible...not a book about the Bible. I don't do it enough. When I do, I am never disappointed and always reminded that I do not have to do life on my own. You don't either.

1 Peter 5:7 (NLT) Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Matthew 11:28 (NLT) Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

How's Your Day?

"How's your day?" asks the teller at the bank oh so casually. She was busy processing my transaction. She hadn't really glanced up or she probably would have noticed the teary look on my face. Or maybe she would have thought I always looked like that. She doesn't know me. It was my first time at that branch. Even a teller at my own "home" branch probably wouldn't have noticed. I pride (?) myself on thinking I hide my feelings so well. HA! I'm discovering I am only fooling myself. I have a horrible poker face. Emotions on sleeve. Check.

"How's your day?" SUCH a loaded question. Is he/she just making pleasant conversation? (Probably) Does the person asking REALLY want to know? (At a bank? Probably not) Do you answer truthfully? (Crappy thanks. And you?) Just say fine to get it out of the way and get the business you need done? (Just take my money and move on. No need to be pleasant!) Answer back almost parrot-like, "how's YOUR day?" (tempting.....)

Quite honestly, today was NOT the greatest day. I honestly answered after I hesitated a bit...."I've had better" to say fine would have been lying....mostly to myself.

I have had better. I have also had worse. I am not usually so honest with a stranger. I am not even usually that honest with myself! My mind repeats....fine, fine, fine. My heart goes....not so much, not so much.

When the not so fine, I've had better days are few and far between, I feel like I at least have a grip on life. When those days are coming closer and closer together, like they have been lately? Oh, the grip is not quite so tight. The smile is not quite so forth-coming. The tears are much closer to the surface and sometimes even spill out.

However? I am beginning to realize that the way of handling those days is much more important than how I answer the question.

There will always be something that can turn even the best day quickly into what seems like frustration overdrive.

Having a less than stellar day? Try some of the following:

Acknowledge - If it sucks? Say so. Even if it is only admitting it to yourself.

Better - There WILL be better day(s). It may not be today or the next day, but take your better whenever and however you can....even if it comes in increments and not the whole day.

Grateful - Find something, ANYTHING to be grateful for!

Laugh - Find a way to stretch those smile muscles.

Strength - When you feel weak, borrow somebody else's strength until you feel yours coming back.

Ice Cream - When all else fails, do what you gotta do. Get sprinkles. Everything's better with sprinkles.

**Nudges - Pay attention to the nudges. If you feel like you are supposed to take a little extra time to do some praying, devotions, etc? DO IT. I'm finding out this is God's way of providing that extra strength I'll need....before I know I need it.

**That nudge this AM made this an "I've had better" day instead of a curl up in a fetal position in bed day when I made it home.

Romans 8:37-39 (NIV) No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Not knowing what to say

My latest revelation is that life is easier to handle when "issues" come one at a time. One is finished before the next one starts. It is when the next issue comes before the one we're dealing with is done and they start to stack up one on another that it can get to be too much! There have been times recently when we seem to have entire subscriptions, not just issues!

And that's just our little family. I have to be careful. I purposely often don't watch the news. The recent plane crashes? One news station was doing a story on the kids on the plane. As much as I care, I CAN'T watch or I will get sucked down to a place I don't want to be. It has taken a long time for me to figure out what/how things will effect me and if it is worth the price I will pay. Often times, it's not.

How much is too much? Personally, it can depend on the day. How much sleep I get or don't. If everyone has been medicated lately.  The same thing that doesn't bother me one day can become my biggest concern the next.

Recently, we have had some stuff happen in our lives that hit me harder than anything I've dealt with. During? Crisis mode. Now that we are on the other side (pretty much), I can reflect.

Here are some of the things I learned:

It is incredibly hard for me to ask for help. I know this. I still struggle every time. I requested prayers. I couldn't post ALL the details because some of it wasn't mine to share. Even without details, there were people that stood in the gap for us. That helped tremendously because for a few days there I didn't even know how or what to pray for. Sometimes, I curse "social media". For support, I give it 2 thumbs up.

"How are YOU?" This is sometimes the first thing out of our mouths. We get SO used to asking, we don't always listen to the answer. Ask anyway. I have kicked myself mentally so many times for asking this at funerals. Duh. I have given myself some grace by realizing it was important I showed up to show I cared. I've tried to move on to give hugs and say I'm thinking about you. I do cards/writing better. In the case of caregivers? It is wonderful to be acknowledged. The person with the issue gets most of the attention. Not saying that it shouldn't be that way. However, it is nice to know someone recognizes stuff is hard on everybody involved.

Being brutally honest? Sometimes the thing we want to say is I don't know HOW you do it! (I'm glad it's you and not me.) I can't imagine the pain you are going through. (I'm glad it's you and not me.) Sensing a theme here? It is so politically incorrect to actually acknowledge the fact that it's OK to be grateful we are not dealing with someone else's issues. However during those times? Sometimes, you get the blessing of being the lean-on instead of the leaner. (*)

Sometimes there are NO words that can make it better, but "just" letting someone know you are thinking of them really does help. I really appreciated one friend who apologized for not responding sooner because she was waiting for the right words to say and then realized there were no words, but just let me know she was thinking of me. I appreciated the family and friends that offered to drop everything even before they knew what was going on to come sit with me. The offers meant more than you know.

SO don't wait until you have the right words to say. (preaching to myself here) Be honest. Just tell them you're there and hurt with them. Hold their hand if possible. Give a hug. Bring a balloon. Bring flowers. Find a card that says what you want to say (that's what those card writers get paid for!)

I have found a lot to say about not knowing what to say. Sometimes "saying" is overrated. Being there...even if a phone call or FB post away means more than you know. Hugs and prayers, my friends. May your subscriptions be few and your issues be fleeting.

* Lean on Me (Bill Withers)(NOTE: Give it a listen if it's been awhile. Preferably with lyrics. They are some GOOD ones!) 
Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on

Psalm 27:8 (NIV) My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, Lord, I will seek.

Psalm 122:8 (NIV) For the sake of my family and friends, I will say, “Peace be within you.”

Psalm 91:9-16 (NIV)
If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”