The Daily Mental Walk of Shame

I wrote this for a short story contest. I had been kicking the idea around in my head. Not necessarily a short story format, but it gave me a deadline. Honestly? I need deadlines. I can procrastinate something fierce without one....even with deadlines too often I wait until the last minute....or close to it.

So, I didn't win. However, in the long run, I'm ok with that. If I had, I couldn't use it for a year. I'm hoping it will help others to read it as much as it helped me to write it. It is a bit more non-fiction than I would probably admit most days.

The Daily Mental Walk of Shame

My name is Cera. Cera Bellum. My age doesn't really matter. Overall, it doesn't. By most people's standards, I am pretty smart. At least I am usually. On the days when the brain fog is not quite so foggy, I can seem quite intelligent. 

Every day starts out pretty much the same. I wake up. Usually much later than I planned on, and after hitting snooze at least one time more than I should. Should. It's like could and would. I really don't like those words. They make me feel guilty. It's early yet. Too early for guilt. Moving on. 

It has been awhile since I jumped right out of bed ready to take on the world in the Land of Overwhelm.

When I make it out of bed, sometimes even before I'm out of bed, I mentally climb a ladder. The ladder leads to the platform that will begin the daily walk across to the other platform known as the end of the day. The other platform that signifies the end of one day blurring into the next. The platform that leads back to a bed and insomnia's version of sleep. 

Sometime during that walk there will be the dip into the prescription bottle that makes the tightrope connecting the platforms not quite as narrow. More like a bridge. My time has become measured by the filling of the med boxes from the bottles: 2 fills of 2 boxes and it is time for more refills and another month has passed. I didn't even always need meds. Now? Meds help. Most days. Most. Days. I also found out it is much easier to talk to a doctor about other family member's prescriptions than my own.

Some days, the better days, the walk can start on an almost wider  bridge. However, sometimes the space narrows to a tightrope as the day goes on. Then the real balancing act begins.

Some days the ladder leads to a roller coaster with ups and downs and loopy loops. The goal is to not have so many downs. I don't like roller coasters, especially the big drop at the beginning to allow for picking up the speed.

A wide walkway is better as I do not walk alone. I have "friends" traveling along with me. I would not have always called them friends. Sometimes I still don't. I don't know what else to call them either. Maybe just by their names. 

Dee Pression  and Ann Xiety

Dee and Ann each hang on to a hand as I make the daily crossing. Some days are easier than others.

On a not so easy day, Dee tries to whisper slowly droning in my ear even before we are fully awake. "You don't really feel like getting out of bed today do you?" "Shower? Why? Too much work!"  “These PJs are comfy! Why get dressed?”

Ann says in a rushed, panicked voice, “There will be people out there! They will have expectations and you might have to answer the phone, Cera! You hate answering the phone. You would rather text. Here. Don't forget your smartphone, dummy. Oh and by the way there's a new game app you should download so you can avoid your fear of roller coasters. Hey, look a cat video!”

Along the daily walk, sometimes we meet others that also know Dee and Ann. We covertly nod as we pass, but we do not talk. Besides not everyone can see Dee and Ann like they would a broken leg or glasses. They just think we do not try hard enough or we are lazy. How hard is it to get out of bed and shower?!?! 

We see cutesy or scary ads and social media posts that state “reach out for help”. “You are not alone.” “Mental illness can become mental wellness.”

Dee and Ann whisper loudly past those with taunts of “You don't really want us to leave do you? People would see the real you! What if they don't like you? You know not everybody even believes in us. Do you see what happens to some of those celebrity people when it is a mental illness and not physical? That could happen to you.”

So, I hold it in and somewhat together another day. Not reaching out. Feeling alone. Dealing with mental issues people do not always acknowledge. Mental issues that I don't always acknowledge.

Dee, Ann and I near the platform at the other end of the tightrope as another day closes.

There I introduce Dee and Ann to some new friends waiting there for us: Hope and Faith. Maybe those meds, ads and social media posts do work.

Tomorrow's walk.....and all those to come will be better. At least mostly, right?

FREE (thought) Trash Removal

I'm online paying my trash bill. I'm thinking. I pay to have my physical trash removed weekly. Well, the weeks I remember to get the bin out by the road in time anyway.

I'm feeling a bit blah. Dumpy, if you will. I'm letting the darkness outside creep inside. If I'm not careful, depression will start to try and take over. I'm getting better at realizing it. Most days. When I pay enough attention, before it gets too much of a grip. When I remember that it's OK, preferable even, to TAKE the happy pills I have on hand. When I remember, I don't have to battle darkness on my own. When I acknowledge, it is more of a battle than I like to admit.

Feelings, emotions, thoughts that can get dark easily. They become the mind trash that needs to be dumped. I don't keep physical trash around. Why should I keep mental trash around? Why should you?

We don't even need to pay to have it removed. Well, unless you count therapy! ;) 

Wouldn't it be N.I.C.E. to work on removing some of that mental trash?

N - Notice!
When those thoughts start invading, pay attention. Don't let them get a foothold and lead you down the path of self destruction.

I - Don't Ignore! It may feel easier to just stay in bed at least temporarily. However, if it is becoming preferable to stay in bed rather than participate in life? Get some help. Call a dr. Phone a friend. Reaching out may be the last thing you FEEL like doing, but remember feelings are not truth.

C - Celebrate!
Something. Anything. Find a reason to inject some joy in your day. Turn the radio on. Have a family dance party. Dance by yourself. Find a reason to celebrate that you are here for this moment. BE in THIS moment.

E - Encourage!
Find something encouraging to read or look at or enjoy. Encourage someone else. You never know how telling your story may help someone else on their journey. Others have walked this path, but no one has taken YOUR path. Don't walk alone.

Little lights shine brightest in dark places. Find a way to bring a bit of light into each day. Even if you have to borrow it temporarily from someone else's candle. Then when you're feeling better? Share your light with somebody that needs a spark.

Genesis 1:3-4 (NIV) And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.
 

Philippians 4:8 (NIV) Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Psalm 100:4-5 (NIV) Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Smile Hiders

You probably know some. You probably are one...at least sometimes. The times when someone asks how you are and you answer fine, probably even with a smile. We may then ask, "How are YOU?" and get a similar response. Maybe even with a smile. OR maybe the other person is a bit (or a lot) more comfortable actually letting you know how they are. Maybe you ask on a day that person really needs to talk. OR maybe we let it go at fine and a nod of the head and we're both on our way wondering does anybody really care anyway?

In our surface, solve everything in less than an hour (sit-com, drama, psych appointments) or 30 seconds (commercials), 140 character (Twitter) world, most people will let you go at fine and continue on with the conversation or a smile, hug, or even "I'll pray for you" and continue on with the day wondering does anybody really care anyway?

We become smile hiders. We hide behind a smile when we really feel like crying or laughing like a maniac, but we don't do that because what if people see us as weird or crazy? So you hold it in. And you smile and you wonder does anybody really care anyway?

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we take time, ('cuz we can't MAKE time), to really LISTEN and see past the smile? If you're not sure, ASK! To slow down enough to NOTICE when someone doesn't really look like they mean it? To show that somebody really DOES care? To share and know that we do NOT walk alone, for a hug, and a prayer....not later, but NOW!?!?!?!

Maybe we can practice. L.A.N.D. Listen/look. Ask. Notice. Do.

It can be uncomfortable to REALLY listen to someone else share their story.  However, in the sharing there is usually something you learn about yourself too.

Especially now.....in our surface, solve everything in less than an hour or 30 seconds, 140 character world: Become a person that can truly answer YES, SOMEBODY CARES! Stop hiding behind the smile! Become a person that can truly answer YES I KNOW SOMEONE CARES!

I've been a smile hider and I know I've met some along this journey of life. We ALL need somebody sometimes. We are not meant to be alone. We are meant to be a community. In fellowship with other humans. Sometimes it's scary to reach out and not know if somebody will see past the smile. Sometimes you just have to take the risk. I have met some of my very best friends that way.

Psalm 139:11-12 (NIV) If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

1 Peter 3:8 (NIV) Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.

Cloudy days - Cloudy mind

Recently, we had storms in Michigan. The picture below does not show how dark the lingering clouds actually were. What I like is that there is an obvious distinction of where the clouds stop. You can see a light ahead. It is an excellent visual of what depression feels like. Like clouds, depression can dissipate. Unlike clouds, sometimes it takes more than just waiting for it to pass.

It is incredibly difficult to watch someone head under the clouds. When all they see are clouds. Dark ones.

For the days that may be more than just days. When you don't see the road going anywhere. When you don't see the light ahead. When your mind feels cloudy and rainy and just generally yucky. For the days when you realize that you may need more help. When you need to reach out, but don't feel like you can. May you know that there are friends and family waiting along the sidelines to bring you into the light. May you know that there is a God that loves you through anything.....especially the darkest days.


Isaiah 40:30-31 (NIV) Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

The Pit and Hope: The Rock

I have had these thoughts rattling around in my head for awhile now. Trying to decide the best way to write them...and not step on toes....or sound preachy. However, sometimes I need preachy...and my toes stepped on to wake me up....so do with the following what you will (praying that you find some answers to whatever you may going through too!):

Now that I know more about anxiety and depression, I have little doubt that I have dealt with both for most of my life. Well, at least from 7th grade on for sure that I remember. Over the years, I have found help with counseling and medication. Over the years, I have struggled because, as a Christian, I SHOULD be able to beat this with God's help, right? Ahhhh, the infamous SHOULD. grrrrr.

I believe depression is probably different for each person. For me, on the really bad days...when I feel like I don't even want to get out of bed....or even after sleeping LOTS, I do not feel rested. I would probably describe the feeling as being in a pit. It's dark, dank, DEPRESSING! The worst thing is that it FEELS like there is no way out without digging deeper. It doesn't feel like falling. Just stuck. In emotional muck and mire. At the bottom. Trapped with thoughts of everything I've ever done wrong. trapped on the hamster wheel of perfectionism or wasted time or, or, or.

There have been references to pits in the Bible. Some physical (Joseph: Genesis 37 ). Some mental: Lamentations 3:55-57 I called on your name, Lord, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: “Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.” You came near when I called you, and you said, “Do not fear.”

A couple of things I do know...and on a good day, remember: The pit has a bottom so I don't continue to dig deeper. There is a firm rock foundation. I am not in the pit alone. I have family and friends that support me and help me feel better about myself and my circumstances.

In the meantime, I will be grateful for the pit-less days. I will be thankful for hope on the rock of God where I can stand and gaze over, but not fall in. 

Psalm40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

 Lamentations 3:19-26 I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Love....from a distance.....at least for now

Have you ever been around someone that is hurting? You just want to offer a hug, a listening ear and ask what you can do to help soothe the hurt. Sometimes you do. Sometimes the person is receptive. Sometimes not. What if the person hurting is someone you love? It is difficult to watch someone we love hurt, especially when he/she does not want or is not ready for us to do what we can to heal the hurt...even if it is to just listen.

Why is it we usually end up hurting those we love the most? Those that are closest to us? It would be easy to say it's because our homes can be the safest place to vent.....especially if trying to hold it together all day in the "real world". That can be true...up to a point. However, it is also an excuse. It is an excuse because we can feel like our family should love us regardless of our attitude. Most of the time, they do.

There are days though when the last thing you want to do is have to make one more effort. So sometimes we don't. Sometimes we make more of an effort to pray over a struggling relationship. In the meantime, we wait and maintain our distance....for now. We look for opportunities to let them know we still care and are there for them no matter what even if they can't or won't see that right now.

Depression can be part of the equation. Depression puts blinders on us so we see only what is right in front of us and that looks overwhelming and huge and it will never end. Depression messes with and intensifies the negative emotions so much that it is difficult to reach out to anyone. It seems easier to retreat. For a little while, it might be. However, when it becomes weeks and months instead of just days...it is time to bridge the distance and get some help for yourself or the one that is so loved, but feels unlovable.

There is a lot of good info at this site about depression and other "health challenges". There is also an "emotional skills toolkit" that is worth checking out.  HELPGUIDE.ORG

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

John 3:16-17 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

I believe that God loves us from a distance as well....at first. He watches as we struggle and try and do life on our own just muddling through. He looks for opportunities to let us know He still cares and is there for us no matter what even if we can't or won't see that right now. He waits until there comes a day when we are willing to bridge that distance that has come between Him and us. He offers to listen to us and welcome us back to the love that has always been there.