I guess I have been doing Facebook updates instead of writing long, wandering posts. When I'm really honest with myself, I know it is because Facebook is a procrastinator's dream come true....and worst nightmare. The internet in general is a place where time can be wasted so easily...clicking from one link to another and realizing I don't even remember where I really started from....or sometimes even why!
On a good day, I "reward" myself with computer time for accomplishing some tasks. On a bad day (that day I don't even feel like getting out of bed), I just start clicking away....aimlessly.....wandering about the internet...keeping myself busy, but not productive. I've noticed that the days I wander are the days I feel I have wandered the farthest from a God that wants to love me better even than I try to love myself.
Wandering, maybe like Hansel and Gretal. I've left a trail of crumbs. My Bible reading time, my prayer time, my "be quiet so God can reach me" time. Crumbs of time instead of an actual good indication of where I've been and where I need to go.
Some of why I wander (I think) is because over the past year, I have had doubts raised to me by others in my life. Not enough doubt to actually make me question my journey, but enough doubt that I wonder more than I used to. I look for ways to explain how I feel about believing in God while attempting to listen why somebody else does not. I think about the relationship that I wander away from....it is not God that moved. I wonder why I let it take so long to be honest with myself about my feelings and questions because I don't have all the answers to ease others doubts.
I wander in a world that seems to be more concerned about pleasing everybody....and I struggle with not judging because I'm trying to understand other people's struggles and situations....that cause them to wonder and wander and sometimes feel unloved by people that claim they serve a loving God. AND why do bad things happen to good people?!?!?! I don't have answers. I know where to get them. When I finally stop wandering, I get answers when I need them.....the answers just don't always look or sound like I think they should!
As I type, I realize that the answers I'm sometimes given are not for me to decipher. I just need to say them (or write them) and let God do the work of growing the seed He gave me to plant.
The wandering and wondering continue..........
Matthew 18:11-13 (NLT) Parable of the Lost Sheep
12 “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? 13 And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn’t wander away!
1 Chronicles 16:11-12 (NLT)
11 Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him.
12 Remember the wonders he has performed, his miracles, and the rulings he has given,